we won't say our goodbyes, you know it's better that way

dear liam,

oh hi. sometimes i wonder if you even remember i exist. but then again, you do live next door. well, you did. so you left for college today. that scares me. i remember playing in the snow in your backyard, writing on the walls of your house in crayon, and throwing rocks at your glass table, not realizing that it would shatter into a million pieces. and then one day, you were gone. you were still there, but not really to me. we didn't see each other anymore, and i realize that was probably because of our age difference, and partly due to the fact that you were a boy and i was a girl. lets face it, teenagers never do well with hormones. and so, i developed a crush. to this day i'm not sure if it was real, or just my way of coping with losing you, because it was the only way that made sense. i remember writing you that ridiculous letter that i almost sent in eighth grade, confessing my love to you. its still sitting in the top of my closet. i guess you could compare this one to it. i guess what i'm saying is that, i don't know what i'm saying. i don't know who you are anymore, and so i guess i cant love someone i don't know. but i knew that little boy with the baseball hat who was my best friend, and i sure still love him. it scares me that you're gone. even though we haven't had a real conversation in about 2 years, you were always there, next door. now you aren't. maybe one day after we both graduate college, we'll meet and become best friends again. probably not, but i like to hope that something like that might happen. it gives me a little hope that i haven't lost you forever. so you may be 200 miles away, but i hope you'll always remember the roller blades, the face paint, and the air-soft guns. i really hope that no matter what, you'll always remember me.

love,

andrea

hold your own, know your name, go your own way

dear michelle,

you're probably wondering why i haven't written one of these to you yet. you are my best friend after all. if you look at the people who made those promises in middle school, you know, 'best friends forever', most of them haven't spoken in months. not us though, we made it. we're juniors. this is scary. all i know is that if we have made it this far, we are forever. no boy(ahem) or girl for that matter can keep us apart. you are my other half, my sister, my best friend. i know you've been going through a hard time with your family right now even though you haven't said anything to me. i hope you know that you can always talk to me about that stuff, because as you know i have a psychotic mother as well. this next year isn't going to be easy, but i know that we will get through it together. 

love,

andrea

someday we'll know why i wasn't meant for you

dear luke,

sometimes, when i'm alone in bed at night, i think about you. that's a lie. i do it most of the time. for so long i have tried to forget you, to tell myself that you don't matter anymore, that i have moved on to bigger and better things. it's all a lie. you are the only thing that has ever made sense to me in this world. when little girls fantasize about boys loving them forever, about them actually caring, they know in the back of the back of their minds that it will never be. that was me for the longest time, but then i met you. i was your first, and i know in my heart that you will never forget me. you may have a reputation as womanizer, as not wanting a relationship, but i know how good of a person you really are. i dare you to prove the world wrong. i've always been told that i am the rule, not the exception. but then you touch my hand for a second and i feel alive again. alive. no one else has ever made me feel that way, but i hope someone else will. there are so many unanswered questions, so many unsaid words that make it so i can only imagine what we are both feeling. maybe i'm a dreamer, maybe the only reason i feel this way is because i haven't known anything else in this world. all i know is that when you and marisa were dating, you wanted me. that day on retreat, we both knew what we wanted, but we didn't know how to get from point a to point b. and so, nothing ever happened. i'm still sitting here waiting, and i know i shouldn't be, and you're probably off with my best friend, or the freshman, or some other naive girl who doesn't know what she has coming. i know this may sound crazy or over-dramatic or just plain silly, but i think i love you. i think i always have. i've just trained myself to not think about it because it hurts too much. so we'll see what happens in the next year. maybe you'll realize that i'm the one who has always been here, even when i don't want to be. maybe you'll leave with all of those words left unsaid. i sure hope not.

love,

andrea

you look like the songs that i've heard my whole life coming true

dear brandon,

you make my stomach do that flippy thing that i only get when i go on roller coasters. and my heart flutter. the whole nine yards. i'll admit it, i've fallen for a shoebie. you are the most awkward kind i've known in a long time and i absolutely love it. you have no idea how i feel, and it will probably stay that way for a long time until we are middle age and i jokingly share my secret with you at a high school reunion. let's face it, i just don't have the courage to make the first move. i've been rejected too many times to risk that. even if i might never be able to cuddle with you, or be tickled by you, i guess it is ok being your friend. your one on one. i just don't want us to end up like nick and i, because lets just say my last one on one relationship didn't end too well. it makes me sad that you're leaving for the summer. i hope you'll convince your mom to let you come home from the cape for a little bit so we can hang out. i already miss you and your adorable smile. i'm a nerd. but so are you, so i guess that evens it out.

love,

andrea

you are heaven sent, don't you dare forget

dear maggie,

boyfriends suck. i'm just putting that out there. when we first became friends half a year ago, you told me the story of what happened to you. from that moment on, you became my role model. it amazed me that someone could overcome what you did, in the grace that you did. the thing that gave me hope was that you were able to go find love again, unafraid, after the incident. you are selfless, always worrying about my weakness for luke when you should be taking care of yourself. and now is the time where i need to take care of you. broken hearts don't last forever and one day you'll find the boy who will treat you how you should be treated, but i think you need to know that that boy is not nick. you deserve so much better. i don't think i tell you this enough, but i love you. you are my big sister, and damn. i'm going to miss you when you leave next year. let's make this last year the best. 

love,

andrea

coming out of my cage, and i've been doing just fine

dear nick,

it has been a year exactly since we were best friends. i have never met a person quite like you. you were awkward like me in such a way that we were compatible. as always though, the hormones got in the way. i wish we could go back to the way we were. i really do. i want to laugh and listen to blink together. i want to listen to you make as many that's what she said jokes as possible and pretend to hate it, but secretly love it. i want you to talk to me like you used to, like you trusted me. like you cared. i want to be your equal, not your little sister. because that's what i became when we broke up. your little sister. i guess its better than not being anything to you. i don't want you back in the romantic way, not at all. i just miss my best friend. i held on to that part of you for so long. i waisted precious time trying to get you back, when i should have been trying to be your friend. so treat me as your equal. even though you may be a year older and wiser than me, that doesn't make you better than me. sure, we're friends. we hang out with the same group of people, but i feel like i dont really know you anymore. i want to change that.

love,

andrea

i don't know you

dear stranger,
i don't know you. chances are, i will probably never meet you. i don't really know why i'm doing this. it might be an act of selfishness, but lately i've seen that there is so little love and trust in this world, and i want to fix that. don't get me wrong, god knows that writing a couple of letters won't change the world, but it is the little things that matter.
i will write letters that i will probably never have the courage to send. i will write letters to strangers, best friends, crushes, family, anyone imaginable. some of you might see me as a coward, but it is the only way to show how honest the world can really be.
so this is my first letter, to you. like i said, i don't know who you are, i don't know what you're going through, but i'm here for you. life is tough, and sometimes you feel like you can't do it anymore. what we need to do when we are thinking that way is look around us and notice the love. notice the girl holding the boy's hand on the sidewalk. notice the lady feeding the pigeon on the street corner. notice the child clinging to the mother's pant leg. notice the girl holding her friend while she cries. where there is pain, there is beauty. never forget that.
-andrea