dear luke,
sometimes, when i'm alone in bed at night, i think about you. that's a lie. i do it most of the time. for so long i have tried to forget you, to tell myself that you don't matter anymore, that i have moved on to bigger and better things. it's all a lie. you are the only thing that has ever made sense to me in this world. when little girls fantasize about boys loving them forever, about them actually caring, they know in the back of the back of their minds that it will never be. that was me for the longest time, but then i met you. i was your first, and i know in my heart that you will never forget me. you may have a reputation as womanizer, as not wanting a relationship, but i know how good of a person you really are. i dare you to prove the world wrong. i've always been told that i am the rule, not the exception. but then you touch my hand for a second and i feel alive again. alive. no one else has ever made me feel that way, but i hope someone else will. there are so many unanswered questions, so many unsaid words that make it so i can only imagine what we are both feeling. maybe i'm a dreamer, maybe the only reason i feel this way is because i haven't known anything else in this world. all i know is that when you and marisa were dating, you wanted me. that day on retreat, we both knew what we wanted, but we didn't know how to get from point a to point b. and so, nothing ever happened. i'm still sitting here waiting, and i know i shouldn't be, and you're probably off with my best friend, or the freshman, or some other naive girl who doesn't know what she has coming. i know this may sound crazy or over-dramatic or just plain silly, but i think i love you. i think i always have. i've just trained myself to not think about it because it hurts too much. so we'll see what happens in the next year. maybe you'll realize that i'm the one who has always been here, even when i don't want to be. maybe you'll leave with all of those words left unsaid. i sure hope not.
love,
andrea
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